J, you are 22 now.
I remember saying once that I did not regret some things I did as a child/adolescent. Bullying, hurting people who I would dare to consider my friends afterward. I was so disappointed in myself; I was convinced that I did not have the right to say that I was sorry and regretful - after all, if I had done it, then how could I have said so? All my bad choices were simply that - choices. I chose to speak ill of people and chose to hurt them. How could I have dared to say I was regretful when I made the choice to do such things?
I now feel ready to accept that I’m allowed to feel regret. I was so wary before. I did not know how to navigate social spaces, from childhood to well past my first and second year of university, doing things I thought were considered to be “normal” behaviour when it was really quite the opposite. I remember a brief moment of clarity in grade 11 and 12 but after entering university I was so consumed by my feelings of sadness and pain that I only sought out unhealthy coping mechanisms and became a very angry person. After I dropped out, things were better and worse at the same time. It was after being accepted to another university with a program I am interested in that I felt at ease. Though it was still difficult trying to block out the voices. It still difficult. I always think that yeah, this is what I deserve, somehow thinking that eternal repentance will solve my problems.
Before I had withdrawn, I constantly felt I was under watch by a man. Someone. Anyone. Gave into the slightest urge to speak any and all thoughts that occurred in hopes that it would expel the feelings that came with it. But that merely caused an unbelievable amount of trouble and misunderstandings. I did things I wanted to do but also things I thought other people wanted me to do. Constantly gave in to my surroundings, letting the fear and paranoia of certain doom control my every thought and action. What was this doom? Why was it doom?
But reaching out for help guided me outside. Studying things I enjoy, meeting so many kind people, letting things pass through me brought about a sense of calm that stayed with me even when I left my home. A calm that helped bring me to some semblance of self-awareness and conscious living. A calm that taught me to sort my emotions and thoughts… A calm that helps me be ok with being me…
I am still fumbling. I will never stop fumbling. That’s ok.
Still yearning to turn back time and dissuade myself from being influenced by your words. By my own words. Wishing I had gone to get help when I had the chance. Wishing I had been able to understand that what I was told was wrong. No, that’s not okay. At all. But children don’t usually get that chance. It hurts me to see this happening in you, now.
Nothing and everything changed. Changes. Continues to change. Will change. I have been able to learn so much about what it means to be human. I still struggle with accepting that who I am is constantly changing - sometimes for better, sometimes for worse. A part of me feels I am not allowed to even consider that I will ever be a good person. It sits in the pit of my stomach. I will believe that voice over this one.
I am still deliberating as to whether I should go forward with treatment. I am skeptical. I am scared. I am doubtful. Still trying to come to terms with what may happen if I procrastinate and ignore all this. Which is fine. I’ll come to some resolve.
I talked with HY today about it. She had gone through something quite similar. “All you can do is try to be a better person because what’s happened has already happened. Don’t be consumed and distracted by your regret.”
From time to time I have doubts as to whether or not I am allowed to do that. Or anything. But she’s right.
I’m really thankful for all these experiences. Afraid to experience them again. But eternally grateful that I was able to [try] and learn from them. Grateful for everyone, ever. I learned so much. I learned so much. Every time I look back I am warmed by the thought that so many people are trying and changing and growing. I hope one day I can be like them.
I am sorry. I will keep trying my best. I am sorry. We will be ok.
16/4/2019
I usually put myself in my films, ‘cause like… As a groundbreaking director and also an iconic actor, I mean, you do the math. Why wouldn’t you put those two things together?
in therapy my therapist and i were talking about my own feelings of self worth in relationships. and she asked me to say qualities about myself that someone else would be attracted to, on a romantic and platonic level. so i named some things like compassionate, empathetic, etc. and she said “you named things that you can give someone. ways you can serve, rather than ways that you are” and y'all..my mind was blown that’s gonna stick with me forever like she then proceed to tell me actual innate qualities about myself that she liked and thought anyone else would like as well and i hadn’t even considered those because like she said i was focused on things i could do outwardly to attract and maintain connections rather than who i was as a person..goddamn!!! thats tea!!!
With this in mind, this also makes me think of the ways people describe us. When people say the reasons that they love/like you or describe you as a person, are they only naming ways that you serve them? Are they equating your worth with how much you do for them?
ex. “You’re such a good listener. You’re so generous, you’re so compassionate. You’re always there for me. You always hold me down. You’re reliable”
vs.
“You’re so funny! You’re very vibrant. You’re creative, passionate, and intelligent. You’re optimistic. You’re so talented at ____” , etc. I think that’s very telling.
All you can do is learn your lesson. There’s no point in wishing you had did differently. The past is the past.